Saturday, January 28, 2006

Sink like a stone, float like a feather - Unbroken Chain

To my left a euphoric friend celebrating one year of sobriety. My right, after 8 years, another suffers the pain of going back out. I cry tears of joy and fear together. The conflict paralyzes me. Can't feel both so strongly at the same moment yet can't sort them. Back and forth, I fail over and over. All I can really do is save myself. And at this moment, I have no idea how.

9 Comments:

Blogger Mike said...

Hi Helen!

6:48 PM  
Blogger Mark said...

Helen - You always find the perfect lyric to describe what you are going through, then leave it to me to remind you of the part you forgot:

"They’re telling me forgiveness is the key to every door."

I like to help.

Hugs to both your friends, one who has found, one soon to find again....

11:46 PM  
Blogger SinisterBaby said...

My Dearest Helen

To my way of thinking, your love has saved you.
"Love is all you need"

Rob
Thankyou for visiting my blog, beautiful one.

12:50 AM  
Blogger Justin Kreutzmann said...

Each day (for me) above ground is good one. Each day sober makes it even better.

11:48 AM  
Blogger DareDevil said...

forgiveness

4:31 PM  
Blogger '*\~>Chris?<~/*' said...

That sounds really difficult. I don't have any answers. I decided when I quit my addiction that I would seperate myself from those who continued so I don't face this problem very often.
On another note-you do always have the perfect lyric for every thing your going through, as mark said.

7:41 AM  
Blogger jane said...

Always remember, 'One day at a time.'

And ditto to what Justin said.

10:03 AM  
Blogger manzkee said...

It's hard for me to comprehend, but, I had lots of ups and down years ago. Have a nice day!

9:36 AM  
Anonymous westchesterdead said...

Helen,

I've had too many of those experiences - the 'am I next' fear of going back out after watching a friend go back out. I got clean up in Williamsport, PA - I spent about three months in a sobriety house there that was run by this guy Craig - he was an ex-biker that used to run heroin from Philadelphia to Williamsport until he changed his ways and started this half-way house. Craig had a no bulls**t approach to recovery – he didn’t tolerate people trying to run scams on him and he could turn into a mean biker when he needed to. Just as often, and perhaps more so, Craig would give you the shirt off his back if you were honest and you were trying to get better.

Craig helped a lot of guys out, including me. Some of us went on to become lawyers, a lot went to college - I became an engineer (from having nothing in my pocket and just a garbage bag clothes, to boot). Anyway, about seven years ago (around my fifteenth year clean anniversary), Craig was found dead in a crappy rented room in a crappy section of town – he had overdosed on heroin, his drug of choice. Craig went from owning three recovery houses along with a farm, from having twelve years clean and a whole lot of respect, to owning nothing and living in a cheap rented room. He made this transition in the span of about a year. Craig’s parents summed his life up best, though, at his funeral: ‘We have lived with the possibility of Craig’s death for more than thirty years. Now that it has come to pass, let us remember the good things that Crag has done and all of the people he has helped rather than dwell on the bad things.’

I hate it when people go back out and sample the goods. I hate it even more when they don’t come back. It always makes me wonder about myself, my recovery, and whether or not I’m doing enough to continue my spiritual growth. After almost 21 years clean, the only thing I’ve done right one hundred percent of the time is not pick up. I’ve screwed just about everything else up. Thankfully, this world seems rather forgiving and I can keep coming back to the table to try again, provided I’m honest with myself and others.

Hang in there, Helen. The good and the bad come hand in hand, and ultimately it’s all good for the soul, however painful it is to witness. Sorry I went on and on here, I guess I got carried away.

Jim

10:25 AM  

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